Words, words, words- what is slander?

Just been thinking more about how I use my words- do I build others up, or do I tear them down? Scripture says a lot about how we speak, and I was looking on Reviveourhearts.com where there are some very challenging tests you can use to weigh up how you are using your words.

First, some definitions:
Slander is open, intentional sharing of damaging information where the person concerned is absent.
Gossip is idle, careless chatter, saying malicious things, and it is a weapon of the devil.
Sometimes slander and gossip are quite subtle - perhaps coming to your own conclusions, which may not be true, and sharing them with others. Or it could be saying something you know is true, but that doesn't need to be said.

How to test your words:
Is it true? Even if it is, is it kind and necessary?
Prov 17.9 'he who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.'
Do you overlook offenses or do you feel compelled to magnify them and repeat them to others?
If the person you are sharing information with is not part of the problem or solution, don't share! Our words can promote love, unity and oneness, or be divisive and break up a relationship.

Would you want to be quoted?
Would you want the person concerned to know what you were saying?

Are you speaking with a critical spirit or a motive of love?
Don't be focused on the splinters in everyone else's eyes and ignore the plank in your own! Fix yourself, not others.

A wise man does not have to say everything he knows. Instead, he demonstrates restraint and humility and speaks at the appropriate time.
Prov 29.11 'a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.'
Prov 15.28 'the heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.'
The mouth is connected to the heart, so if we're saying things that are malicious, we need to pull out that sin at the root, which is in our heart and our attitudes and thoughts.

How to take action:
-Repent
-Ask God to purify your heart
-Fill your heart with the Word of God
-Guard your mouth. (Prov 13.3, Prov 21.23, Ps 141.3, Prov 31.26)

It's easier said than done! But if we can get control over our tongues, we can be true peacemakers (see James 3).

Understanding Proverbs

As I've been going through this Old Testament book, I've been thinking about how much it informs the mindset and teaching of Jesus and the writers of the New Testament. Although Proverbs can sometimes be a bit of a challenge to read through chapter-by-chapter, because of it's bitty nature and it is quite repetitive with lots of different strands and trains of thought, when you do look at the book systematically, a really clear worldview emerges. I think this is key to understanding Proverbs today, and not just looking at it as a bunch of random quotes or pieces of advice.

The biblical worldview as shown in Proverbs mainly covers the areas of justice and sin. The principles clearly taught in the Old Testament law find memorable illustration and examples in these short, pithy sayings. Just as a preacher can really stun you by bringing home some biblical truth with a well-chosen picture, Proverbs is perfect for bringing to life biblical principles in action.

Justice
A key theme on my heart at the moment! The writer(s) of Proverbs have a really clear understanding of God as a just God and therefore he has utter confidence that evil will be punished, truth will out, and the righteous will be vindicated. 'He guards the paths of justice, and preserves the way of His saints.' (Prov 2:8) 'It is a joy for the just to do justice, but destruction will come to the workers of iniquity.' (Prov 21:15) It is a real temptation for God's people to envy those who seem free from moral restraint, who indulge in sinful pleasures and sometimes seemingly without consequences. But many proverbs remind us that there is a price for sin, and it doesn't pay. 'Do not let your heart envy sinners, but be zealous for the fear of the Lord all the day; For surely there is a hereafter, and your hope will not be cut off.' (Prov 23:17-18)

Sin
Proverbs exposes the very nature of evil and sin as something at the heart of us, not just limited to the actions we commit externally. Proverbs changes the way that we think, because it constantly emphasises that our thoughts make us who we are. People's actions in Proverbs are linked back to their thoughts; and motives are seen as crucial when the Lord looks at us and weighs up our deeds: 'The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, But the Lord tests the hearts.' (Prov 17:3) The father urges his son 'let your heart keep my commands' and to write mercy and truth 'on the tablet of your heart' (Prov 3:1,3). One of the most famous verses in the book says 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding' (Prov 3:5). The message is clear: if we get our hearts right, then our thoughts and actions will be pleasing to God. God hates 'a heart that devises wicked plans' (Prov 6:18). The many passages about the dangers of a seductive woman warn the hearer to not lust after her beauty in your heart (Prov 6:25), because that will soon lead to physical adultery. The overall message of the book is 'Hear, my son, and be wise; And guide your heart in the way.' (Prov 23:19)

This is not to say that we can somehow achieve our own salvation by changing ourselves and becoming 'good' people. But as believers, part of God's chosen people, washed clean from sin, we do have a divine calling on our lives to be righteous (see 2 Peter 1). The distinction the Psalms so often make between the righteous and the wicked reflects this (see Psalm 1). The descriptions of men like Noah and Job as righteous also indicate that there is a righteousness the people of God can possess through the power of His grace and Spirit.

Proverbs gives us a healthy reminder that our thoughts and actions matter greatly to God; He despises hypocrisy, and He calls for us to live in purity as He is pure. Reading through the book, I've felt challenged to care a lot more about my thought patterns and see that as who I really am, rather than the pretty good Christian I project to the world through being a very 'respectable' person. If I look purely at the person I am around other people, and my actions, then I can kid myself that I'm doing pretty well at living the Christian life. It's when I dig deeper and look at my heart, that I am forced to confront the ugliness of my motives, my pride and my envy of others, that all too often I skilfully mask. Proverbs urges me to get to the root of sin and cut out these evil thoughts and eradicate them from my mind, and only then can I really be the person God wants me to be.

How should I approach relationships?

Personally, I've had so much grief in the area of relationships that I really want to post something about what I've learnt (the hard way). I wrote yesterday about the importance of Christians not going out with non-Christians -I can testify that this never helps your faith, and leads you down some very sticky paths. But there has to be more to a Christian perspective on relationships than this 'don't go out with a non-Christian' principle. And there is!

We have such an opportunity in our romantic relationships to show the world how different we are, now that Jesus has changed our lives. Our most important relationship in the world is with Him, and He is always faithful and will never break our hearts! Hooray for that!

If you really want to treasure Christ above all other things, then whoever you go out with needs to help you love Jesus more. The only thing that really matters when you consider whether to go out with someone or not, is this: Do they love Jesus? Could I love them?

God is amazing. He created chemistry, and He brings people together for marriage who complement each other perfectly and completely click. I'm not saying that anyone should simply pick a Christian, any Christian, and ignore their attraction (or lack of it) to that person. What I'm saying is that it's a mistake to prioritize physical attraction above how much a person loves God and wants to please Him.

There are some great books on Christian relationships out there which I have read (see bottom of page for recommendations), and three principles have emerged from all of them:

1. Don’t date for fun.
The common idea in our culture that you need to ‘have fun’ while you’re young and have one-night stands, or kiss random people in clubs, or just go out with someone ‘casually’, is all extremely opposite to God’s standards in the Bible. God cares deeply about all people, and wants us to do the same. We should never ‘use’ people for physical pleasure, or to look good to our friends, or just to combat loneliness. 1 Corinthians 16:14 says ‘Do everything in love’, and chapter 13 defines love as patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, forgiving, not delighting in evil but in the truth, protective, trusting, hopeful and persevering. Therefore if Christians do have relationships, they are not to be shallow, but should follow the Bible’s definition of what real love is.

2. Guard your heart.
Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” There is a powerful demonstration of the impact of relationships on a person’s life. Whenever you have a close romantic relationship, it’s like gluing two pieces of paper together. When the relationship breaks up, it’s like trying to tear those pieces of paper apart. It’s messy, and in real life, it’s a painful experience. This is why the world’s idea about having lots of relationships before finally ‘settling down’ is a bad one. It means that by the time they finish university, the majority of people have slept with a number of people, and had several romantic involvements. This gives people a lot of emotional ‘baggage’ which then creates issues when you do want to get married.

For Christian teenagers who are nowhere near ready to get married, it’s often wisest to guard your heart and not let yourself get too involved romantically with anyone. Be careful not to spend too much time alone with someone of the opposite sex, if they are not seeking to honour God in the way that they treat you.

If you really like someone, bring it to God in prayer and talk about it with someone at church. It’s always good to get wise advice about such things.

3. Be pure
'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.' Philippians 4:8
In the way that you think about members of the opposite sex, be pure.
In the way that you act around members of the opposite sex, be pure.
In the way that you speak to members of the opposite sex, be pure.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, your thoughts and behaviour matter! God wants you to be absolutely spotless, and He has cleansed you through the blood of Jesus from all of your sins. Don't defy your new status as purified by God, by returning to the mud again.

Lust- wanting something that does not belong to you (usually in a sexual sense)- is a very pervasive sin. It can manifest itself in X-rated thoughts, in addictions to pornography, or in hungry kissing that leads on to more.

Do what Joseph did- run away from it! Don't give yourself any opportunity to fall. Don't have an internet connection in your bedroom. Don't be alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend in a room together with the door closed.

Do what Job did- make a covenant (promise) with your eyes, not to linger on people and treat them as objects. Avoid parts of a supermarket which stock men's magazines. Bounce your eyes away from unhelpful billboards. Look away from a cinema screen if there's an unexpected sex scene.

Pray and depend on God for strength to fight this sin in your life. It CAN be beaten through the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you're not accountable to anyone in your church, find a trusted Christian there who will ask you candid questions about how you're doing in this area, and ask them to pray for you. Don't think you're the only one who struggles with this. Everyone has some form of struggle with lust in their lifetime.

Below are some books I recommend which deal with this whole area: