Recently I posted a series of articles on Christian attitudes to dating and relationships, including the principle that Christians should not go out with, or marry, a non-Christian.
But what happens if you become a Christian AFTER marriage? Or what if you DID marry a non-Christian? Perhaps you know a Christian who is married to a non-believer. What help can you give?
Well I'd like to recommend John Dickson's 'Promoting the Gospel'. I found this book, which covers evangelism in all areas of life, particularly enlightening on the subject of mixed faith marriages. He looks at 1 Peter 3:1-2:
'Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.'
This is what he says:
'Peter plainly says that people can be won to Christianity through behaviour. Am I saying that faith in Christ can come about without hearing the gospel? No... people cannot put their faith in Jesus without first learning the gospel about him. However, this does not mean that hearing the gospel is the only cause of faith...
Peter's words in 1 Peter 3:1-2 are not intended as a "let-off" for those who are shy about Christ, but as an encouragement to those who find themselves in situations in which speaking about the Faith is difficult or inappropriate. The marriage relationship (the specific context of Peter's words) is a classic example...
[Be reassured that] the Lord of the harvest can win over our loved ones without a word (from you) by the power of a godly life.' (p100-101)
In other words, if your spouse is not a Christian, you need to:
1. Pray for them to be saved.
2. Continue as a Christian yourself- keep going to church and join a small group, or find a Christian friend of the same sex as you who you can meet up with for prayer and support. Don't struggle alone- get help! Finding someone else in the same situation could be really helpful for both of you (again same sex as you applies).
3. Live a God-honouring life before them, to point them towards Jesus.
4. Share the gospel with them when the opportunity arises, in a gentle and respectful way.
5. Don't nag them!
6. Guard yourself against lust and jealousy for Christian marriages in your church. Pray against discontentment. God has put you in this situation for a reason, to teach you new things, and He is in control. He works everything for the good of those who love Him, so trust that He knows what He's doing (Rom 8:28).
1 Corinthians 7 is really relevant to this situation:
'If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.'
In Corinth, people were becoming Christians, and then divorcing their unbelieving spouses. Paul says this is wrong! God is a God of faithfulness, who hates divorce. That is never what He wants you to do. Instead, God 'sanctifies' the unbelieving spouse- in other words, God makes special provision for His children who are married to unbelievers. He does not automatically convert the spouse, but He blesses the children of a mixed faith marriage.
Of course, this passage is not a justification for Christians, who have the choice of who they marry, to marry non-Christians. The question 'how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?' is a verse of encouragement to those in a very difficult situation, not a mandate to enter this situation. Paul makes it clear in this very chapter that if a Christian has the choice of whom they marry, they should definitely marry another Christian (v39). The whole point about retaining the place in life to which God has called you simply means that you can't get out of your marriage bond when you become a Christian.
Being a Christian married to a non-Christian is very tough, and no Christian should ever willingly choose this situation. But, as I can testify from witnessing it with my own eyes, God can certainly bring much blessing to those who seek to remain faithful to Him within a mixed faith marriage. The church needs to be particularly pro-active in supporting these marriages, particularly the Christian spouse, who can easily become isolated. Churches also need to be aware that a Christian married to a non-Christian will have to be sensitive to the needs of their spouse, which may mean a reduced involvement in serving in church life. If you are a Christian who is supporting a friend in a mixed faith marriage, or you are in a mixed faith marriage, keep praying for God to give you wisdom. I'd very much appreciate any comments you can make to share from your own experiences. May the Lord bless you!
15 comments:
I am a christian and my husband now is, although he still wrestles with his walk he is learning to surrender to our Lord. However in the beginning he was not really a christian he was learning and so concerned about impressing me and pleasing me it was so important to him to learn more and strive to be like Christ. To make a long story short, his trying so hard to impress me with a Christ like image became a dangerous situation with his life long walk and our relationship. Eventually he grew and became closer to Christ and grew in our relationship but that doesnt change his struggles in his walk. Today he still wrestles with few things that are from the past and hinder some of our relationship as well as his walk. Although I highly recommend couples be christian/christian and not chirstian/nonchristian I deeply believe God brings you together for a purpose. My walk and relationship was completely ordained by God. I was prepared for the road ahead before it even arrived. I knew the moment our paths crossed that it was ordained from the Lord. My advice and encouragement to others, stay grounded in Gods word. Pray consistantly and daily over your beloved. Encourage daily, love them unconditionally, NEVER give up on them or Gods plan for them. Be understanding and forgiving always. In doing so they see Christs reflection in you and through you and what greater way to draw them to Christ. God bless!
Dear Sophie,
Are we not being blinded by appearances? We see in the Gospels many people who do not profess faith for Christ, but are shown to love Christ implicitly - look at the Samaritan, say, or even the righteous Jews who are saved through Christ, but from within their hearts.
We have no window into Man's soul. We can guess, and make assumptions, but to judge that someone else's faith is less worthwhile because it is implicit/of the heart/quiet/represented in ways we might not expect, does not mean it isn't there.
There was an interesting sentence that I think was not quite right that can someone believe in Christ without having heard the Gospel? The answer put forward was no, but what did Christ himself say? Love like the little children. The Gospel is so much more than words on a page - I think this is where we must understand the incarnation correctly. I know we are going to disagree on this, but this is where, I believe sola scriptura comes up short - the incarnation is beyond our understanding, and no amount of research or reading will make us understand it. However, Christ took on our humanity so that we might understand his divinity more fully. Through living and experiening the world we cannot hel but experience God: through love; through life; through faith; through Our Lord.
Let us not be too down on non-Christians. As it says in Cranmer's Book of Common Prayer, "Thou knowest Lord the secrets of our hearts". We do not know the hearts and faith of others, and to categorise people as Christians or not is to assume such knowledge.
Looking at the last comment, I have to say that I have often wondered about non-Christians who are very good people. People who follow God's commandments, who give, and love others, and follow in Jesus' footsteps without even knowing the Gospel. This describes my husband, and as a new Christian, I pray daily for him to come along side me and join me in my faith. But I also wonder, if he died today, would he be in heaven waiting for me when I get there?
there are many very moral people who will not be going to heaven. "No one comes to the Father but through me." -Jesus.
I have found it easy to know if someone is a christian or not. however i have a call to be a biblical counselor. Perhpas it just goes with that. you really can't get anywhere in biblical counseling if you're not an actual believer. I was raised in the catholic faith and became a believer at 34. I thought I was a christian, till I actually became one. I am the only believer in my family. It is one thing to believe in your mind. It is another to believe in your heart of hearts. Even the devil knows God, but he's not going to heaven. It can be crucial to know if someone is a believer or not, like if it is the person you're thinking of marrying. This is not something that is unknowable. it is such an important thing. what is more imp? God would not make something so important unknowable!
Some people may forfeit the love of their life/lives if they "hold out" for a believing mate, when the one that may be the most right (and therefore righteous) may be a non-believer. Then the believing partner could pull the non-believer along and in a loving marriage they would still support each other regardless of religious differences. This however could only work in an atmosphere of love, mutual tolerance for each other's diversity; with a lasting commitment, trust and respect for each other - because such a couple has enough to bring them together to make it work. Key: both must be willing to. :)
Thank you all for commenting, I'm sorry I haven't picked up on your comments sooner and responded! I think instead of writing an essay I'll just say 2 things in response:
1. The Bible gives us 'tests' to apply to ourselves and to others to see if they are really Christians (Matt 7:16 judging them by their lives, the fruit they bear; 2 Corinthians 13:5; 1 John 4:15, 1 John 5:2)
2. The Bible is really clear on the fact that God has a plan for our lives, and His plan is best. If we take things into our own hands, like Sarah in Genesis 16, we will only reap consequences of disobedience. If a Christian willingly chooses to marry a non Christian, there is grace for them, but I think it becomes clear that however willing that non Christian is to make it work, there will be conflict as a Christian is living life putting God first and the non Christian isn't. Your service of God is a lot more restricted - for example, you can't be on mission together, whether that's in your home town or abroad. You can't both be modelling to your children what it means to follow Christ. I think the idea about forfeiting the love of your life is misguided because firstly, the idea of a 'love of your life' is a cultural idea, not a biblical one, and the idea of being mistaken in 'holding out' just seems to miss the fact that God blesses obedience and there would be more blessing in a life of singleness than in disobedience to God by marrying a non believer. I really recommend Revive our Hearts' free online resources on this topic, which are much more comprehensive and detailed https://www.reviveourhearts.com/resource-library/topics/marriage/
Thanks again everyone.
Hi there,
I'm in a very odd situation. I married an on fire Christian who was a full time pastor. I also served pastorally alongside my husband. As the years went on in ministry my husband got very burnt & hurt from the church. He changed profession to a police officer which has changed/ hardened him immensely. He has now grown very bitter & angry towards church- he belives
In God- but isn't in the place he says to surrender his life & follow him. I've known him for over 10 years & 9 of them he was on fire for god & raised in a godly home.
It's so hard- we have a 1 year old son & my heart breaks how his daddy now hates church.
So as I said I'm an odd case- I married a devote Christian who has just walked away from God no warning. I still love god, attend church & take my son on my own. I cry a lot about it. I don't know why god allowed it- but he did...
I am lucky enough to find an amazing women who is willing to learn about god and my beliefs. She hasn't been exposed to Christianity and wants to learn more about it. Any words of wisdom?
This is what I believe I am going through right now. I love my girlfriend however she is not a believer. She is willing to learn about god and my faith and is even ok with going to church with me. I also want to get to the basics of what I believe in as well. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?
To Sarah: Your situation sounds really tough! And it must be so hard to get your head around it; you never thought you would be in this position. I would just encourage you to keep trusting the Lord and His plan, knowing that you have done nothing wrong and you married this man in faith. Hopefully God will melt his heart and bring him back- keep praying!
To A.J: I think that a good place to start is to think about your faith and what kind of role God plays in your life. Would you say that you have decided to follow Jesus 100%? Are you willing to take up your cross? (Lk 9:23) Ultimately the picture the Bible gives of true Christianity is that Jesus' followers must be willing to sacrifice everything for Him who gave up His life for us. It's very challenging! But hopefully as you think about it, you will say that this is definitely your number one desire: to follow Jesus.
Then look at all the areas of your life: your job, your hobbies, your relationship. Is God honoured in all of these things? Does God come first in all of these things? I think the difficulty with dating someone who isn't yet a Christian themselves is that it does seem to go against what the Bible teaches. That means that whether they are a complete atheist, or a keen 'seeker', it's still wrong in God's eyes to be in a romantic relationship with them. And when you think about it, this makes sense, because as a Christian, you are living life for Him now. You will want to stay sexually pure, for example - this will be really hard if you're with someone who isn't saved and doesn't have the Holy Spirit. They won't have the same desire for holiness as you, or the same power to actually follow God's ways.
It's really exciting when you know someone who is interested in finding out more about God. But if they are the opposite sex, I would recommend hooking them up with a Christian you know who is the same gender as them. That way, you can encourage them to pursue God, without having to spend lots of time with them yourself, which is unwise.
If you're in a relationship with someone who isn't yet a Christian, think about why. Are you prioritising being with someone, above waiting for the right person God can provide for you? Is being in a relationship an idol, something which you can't do without, or something which claims your love and focus away from God? I know that in my own life, this was definitely the case and I've made some pretty horrendous choices in the past which did not honour God.
I can think of one Christian friend who really fell for a non-Christian guy, and knew it was really important to honour God by not entering a relationship with him. He was interested in Christianity, and after a time, he did actually become a Christian. Then, they got together, and now they are married. It's not a guarantee that this will happen but I do think if you honour God by making a hard decision, it will work out for the best in the end. If they are the right person for you, God won't let you 'miss out'.
The alternative, that you pursue the relationship anyway, could lead to some very difficult situations: being in a long-term relationship but feeling unable to commit to marriage; going ahead with marriage to someone who isn't a Christian and then all the conflict this will bring in terms of living life together and raising a family (not to mention disobedience to God's word). I would say it's better to break it off now, however painful that may be, because it will be much more painful later on if she doesn't become a Christian. Hopefully her interest in God is genuine, not just linked to her relationship with you, and she can pursue a relationship with God herself, independently of you.
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