There's been a lot of public discussion about marriage in recent months, particularly with the first gay marriages taking place in March this year. I was surprised at the support for same-sex marriage coming from prominent figures within the 'evangelical' wing of the church. It made me think, how important is this? Is this of primary importance, or is it another 'secondary' issue in Christian circles which wrongly threatens to be divisive?
What becomes very clear the more you look into this, is that the issue of gay marriage can't be separated from your fundamental viewpoint on men and women; what our gender actually means. If you're looking at the Bible's teaching on marriage, you find yourself forced to also look at what it says about men, women and their roles - because the various relevant passages address both of these key areas.
Before we can rightly understand what God created marriage to be, we have to rightly understand how God created humanity as male and female.
I'm coming here from a complementarian perspective: that men and women are equally created in God's image (see Gen 1:26-27) but have different roles. Men are given authority and women are called to submit to this authority, under the ultimate lordship of Christ. This seems clear from the following passages:
Genesis 2
- Adam is created first (see also 1 Cor 11:8 and 1 Tim 2:13)
- Adam is given the instruction not to eat the fruit (he has an implicit responsibility to instruct Eve once she is created)
- Eve is created to be a helper (see also 1 Cor 11:9-10)
- Adam names Eve, implying his authority over her.
Genesis 3
- Eve sinned first, but God seeks out Adam and holds him responsible. (See also Rom 5:12, 1 Cor 15:22)
- Male/female relationships are affected by sin in that women desire to usurp the authority given to man in creation, leading to man ruling over woman, sometimes in wrongfully abusive ways.
Ephesians 5
- Jesus' coming hasn't changed God's created hierarchy of male leadership. In fact, Paul teaches here that when functioning in complementarian roles, marriage is in fact a beautiful picture of Jesus' relationship with the church.
(There are other passages too and I recommend this summary of complementarianism if you want to read more).
The point is, same-sex marriage doesn't work from a biblical perspective, because men and women have very different roles in marriage. Even if you ignore the Bible's teaching on homosexuality (which is pretty clear in its condemnation of physically acting upon same-sex desire - see Leviticus 18:21-22, Lev 20:13, Romans 1:26-27 and 1 Tim 1:8-10), you can't take marriage and apply it to same-sex couples and argue that if they are faithful to each other, it is pleasing in God's sight for them to be 'married'. Two women or two men together cannot reflect the mystery of Christ and the church, or fully represent what God intended when He created marriage.
Is this just a secondary issue? More and more I'm thinking it isn't. Because it's only a short step from saying that you think women have equal authority to men, to arguing away all the God-given differences between men and women. Then what you're left with is no biblical picture of what it means to be a man or a woman. And in that context, of course same-sex marriage would be ok. It would function exactly the same as a heterosexual union: two people with no difference in their roles.
It's not a popular teaching, and increasingly it's probably going to become illegal to say things like this. But if you want to honour God first, you have to look at the Bible and try to strip away all the attitudes you've picked up, knowingly or unknowingly, from the world around you. If we come to the Bible with the viewpoint that being equal, as women, to men means that we have to be able to do all the same things as men, then we're not going to like what it says! Or we'll re-interpret, re-translate it so that we don't take it seriously, and in fact twist it to say what we want it to say. I've been really challenged by the True Woman manifesto, a document compiled in 2008 which thousands of Christian women have been signing up to pledge their willingness to listen not to our culture, but to what the Bible says about what it means to be a true, godly woman. There's a lot of key passages referenced in it and it's well worth a look! I want to be characterised by humility and willingness to yield, not so-called female 'diva' power that is all about grabbing what I deserve and claiming my 'rights' as a woman.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, August 18, 2014
Saturday, August 31, 2013
The power of a woman who says 'Yes'
I've been listening to a series of talks from Revive our Hearts about the story of Deborah from the book of Judges. It's definitely made me go back to this section of the Bible that you don't often hear much teaching on, and I've been really struck at the way the story unfolds and Deborah's role in this part of Israel's history.
The Israelites were in a very turbulent time. Because of their disobedience, God did not let them conquer all of the promised land. He did not give them rest from their enemies. He allowed them to be plundered to bring them to a point of desperation where they would seek Him again. They were under His discipline. The various judges who ruled over the people were raised up by God as an act of grace to provide deliverance, and often these judges had a military role in fighting off Israel's enemies and winning victories and peace.
At the time that Deborah judges Israel (read about it in Judges 4), it seems that Israel were under a particularly difficult time with their enemy Sisera, who had 900 chariots of iron, a powerful military advantage. We don't really know much about Deborah or other leaders of Israel at that time, but it seems that she walked closely with God because she was able to bring the word of the Lord to Barak (see v6-7). She brought a message to him that if he took 10,000 men and fought Sisera at the river Kishon, God would give him the victory. Barak's response is quite unexpected: 'If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.' (v8) Barak wanted Deborah to go with him to the battle! Perhaps this is a sign of weak male leadership at the time... but equally, it could be a positive humility on Barak's part that he wanted God's presence and knew that Deborah was a prophetess. Anyway, Deborah says 'Yes'! 'I will surely go with thee' (v9). This is the power of a woman who says 'Yes'. The result was that Barak led the army and they won a great victory (read more about it in the rest of chapter 4 and 5).
I want to apply this into our homes, our marriages and our ministries today. As wives, do we say 'yes' when our husbands have some calling on their life, or some task to complete? It may be the simple, small things, but it may also be big things like where you live, where you work, whether you are in full time ministry or not. I want to suggest that there are few men who will act upon a desire God has placed in their heart, a calling God has given them, without their wives giving an emphatic 'Yes' and a go-ahead. If you meet passion with passivity, the fire dies out. And there's nothing worse than a husband feeling he's dragging his wife along into this ministry or that town when she isn't really 100% on board with the plan.
I'm not saying let's abandon discernment; we need it! Some of us may have husbands who come up with a new hare-brained scheme every week and we need to gently offer wisdom and guidance where appropriate. But generally speaking, do we encourage or do we dampen? Do we show willingness to go where it may be difficult, where it may be uncomfortable, so that God can use our families for His glory in some task He's called us to do? Deborah made a bold decision to go into the battle, because she ultimately had confidence in the word of God. I think we need to seek God with our husbands for His plan and will for us, and at the heart of it, to do this not with the attitude of 'well if it's really clear we'll go through with it', but with the standpoint of 'unless God makes it really clear it's NOT right, we'll do it!' Think how much our churches would be transformed if we had that boldness, passion and spirit!
The Israelites were in a very turbulent time. Because of their disobedience, God did not let them conquer all of the promised land. He did not give them rest from their enemies. He allowed them to be plundered to bring them to a point of desperation where they would seek Him again. They were under His discipline. The various judges who ruled over the people were raised up by God as an act of grace to provide deliverance, and often these judges had a military role in fighting off Israel's enemies and winning victories and peace.
At the time that Deborah judges Israel (read about it in Judges 4), it seems that Israel were under a particularly difficult time with their enemy Sisera, who had 900 chariots of iron, a powerful military advantage. We don't really know much about Deborah or other leaders of Israel at that time, but it seems that she walked closely with God because she was able to bring the word of the Lord to Barak (see v6-7). She brought a message to him that if he took 10,000 men and fought Sisera at the river Kishon, God would give him the victory. Barak's response is quite unexpected: 'If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.' (v8) Barak wanted Deborah to go with him to the battle! Perhaps this is a sign of weak male leadership at the time... but equally, it could be a positive humility on Barak's part that he wanted God's presence and knew that Deborah was a prophetess. Anyway, Deborah says 'Yes'! 'I will surely go with thee' (v9). This is the power of a woman who says 'Yes'. The result was that Barak led the army and they won a great victory (read more about it in the rest of chapter 4 and 5).
I want to apply this into our homes, our marriages and our ministries today. As wives, do we say 'yes' when our husbands have some calling on their life, or some task to complete? It may be the simple, small things, but it may also be big things like where you live, where you work, whether you are in full time ministry or not. I want to suggest that there are few men who will act upon a desire God has placed in their heart, a calling God has given them, without their wives giving an emphatic 'Yes' and a go-ahead. If you meet passion with passivity, the fire dies out. And there's nothing worse than a husband feeling he's dragging his wife along into this ministry or that town when she isn't really 100% on board with the plan.
I'm not saying let's abandon discernment; we need it! Some of us may have husbands who come up with a new hare-brained scheme every week and we need to gently offer wisdom and guidance where appropriate. But generally speaking, do we encourage or do we dampen? Do we show willingness to go where it may be difficult, where it may be uncomfortable, so that God can use our families for His glory in some task He's called us to do? Deborah made a bold decision to go into the battle, because she ultimately had confidence in the word of God. I think we need to seek God with our husbands for His plan and will for us, and at the heart of it, to do this not with the attitude of 'well if it's really clear we'll go through with it', but with the standpoint of 'unless God makes it really clear it's NOT right, we'll do it!' Think how much our churches would be transformed if we had that boldness, passion and spirit!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sex before marriage: what does the Bible say?
Some people think that the Bible doesn't say much about sex. Other people think the Bible is really negative about sex. I was asked by a Christian friend recently how I would go about explaining what the Bible says about sex before marriage to someone who is a Christian and sleeping with their boyfriend or girlfriend. This post is really my response to that question.
The argument starts in Genesis. God makes Adam and Eve, marries them, and they enjoy sex as an expression of their unity: 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.' Gen 2:24 The implication is that you can't become one flesh physically (ie in sexual intercourse) without first being joined before God in marriage. This makes sense in that sex is a picture of giving yourselves completely to one another- this just isn't appropriate outside the safety net of marriage, where you have made a lifelong commitment to each other.
The high value God places on sex within marriage is emphasised throughout the Old Testament- most notably in the command against adultery (Ex 20:14). If you engage in pre-marital sex, you are in one sense being unfaithful to your future spouse. If the person ends up being someone you marry, you have still spoilt something special and unique meant for marriage only.
There are people in the Old Testament who disregard God's design for sex and marriage, and the result is always spiritual disaster. Look at Solomon: he had a ridiculous number of concubines (300!), and they had a terrible influence on him. He also married 700 women, and they 'turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God' (1 Kings 11:4). Solomon had built the temple and was gifted with wisdom from God, and yet in this matter he was blind to the warnings he was given, and so his kingdom was torn away from him (1 Kings 11:11). This ties into the idea that Christians going out with/marrying non Christians is spiritually damaging, because you are essentially uniting yourself with someone who is spiritually dead (see Ephesians 2 for the strong contrast between Christians and non-Christians, and 2 Cor 6 for instruction on not being 'yoked' with unbelievers).
The New Testament letters speak a lot about sexual purity. There are several key passages where 'fornication' (ie sex before marriage) is condemned (1 Cor 6:12- 7:40; Eph 5:1-7; 1 Thess 4:1-8), and in Hebrews 13:4 it says that the marriage bed should be kept pure, for God will judge the sexually immoral. The key emphasis in all these passages is that we've been saved by God's grace and set free from the crippling, disabling power of sin over our lives. Therefore our whole lives as Christians are about using that power to resist sin and live 100% for Jesus instead of being ruled by passion just like non-believers are.
When people have problems with what the Bible teaches on sex, it actually points to a bigger problem: their attitude towards God. Too often we are driven by our own desires for a relationship or physical intimacy, instead of putting God's agenda at the top of our priorities. If you're a Christian and you know another Christian who is struggling in this area, encourage them to draw closer to God. If you can, suggest meeting up together to read the Bible. Working through a short letter like 1 Thessalonians would only take a few sessions, and all you'd have to do is read it and discuss it. If they're really serious about being a Christian, they have to accept that it intrinsically means giving up what you want, and going God's way instead. And the joy of being a Christian is that God's way is so much better!!! As Paul writes, those things (sexual immorality included) lead to death. Why would we want to go back to them? (Romans 6:21)
Ultimately, we need to realise that God loves us far more than we comprehend. He loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us. Won't He give us anything that's good for us? Would He with hold the best from us? Of course not. (see Romans 8).
Therefore the Bible's teaching on sex and marriage is there to help us. God is FOR sex (he invented it!!!) and He has such a high value on it that he reserves it for those who are married. People who sleep with others before marriage are de-valuing sex. God's way is best because it preserves society and the family unit- look at the result of people sleeping together outside marriage: STDs, AIDS, broken homes, kids without fathers... And I hate to say it, but usually the girl in the relationship is the one with everything to lose and nothing to gain. A guy can sleep with someone and walk away; the girl ends up way more emotionally scarred and potentially with a baby to look after.
I think if a guy really loves you, he'd be willing to wait : Christian OR non Christian. But the real sticking point about Christians going out with non Christians is that they can't be a gospel team, working together to serve Jesus. One serves Jesus; the other belongs basically to the devil and is spiritually dead. I think one of the greatest blessings of Christian marriage is that you keep each other going with Jesus, pick each other up when you're down, lead each other back to the cross. However attracted you are to each other, it's the spiritual bond you share that will keep you going in the tough times.
Summary:
God has such a high value on sex that He designed it to be just for marriage.
The argument starts in Genesis. God makes Adam and Eve, marries them, and they enjoy sex as an expression of their unity: 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.' Gen 2:24 The implication is that you can't become one flesh physically (ie in sexual intercourse) without first being joined before God in marriage. This makes sense in that sex is a picture of giving yourselves completely to one another- this just isn't appropriate outside the safety net of marriage, where you have made a lifelong commitment to each other.
The high value God places on sex within marriage is emphasised throughout the Old Testament- most notably in the command against adultery (Ex 20:14). If you engage in pre-marital sex, you are in one sense being unfaithful to your future spouse. If the person ends up being someone you marry, you have still spoilt something special and unique meant for marriage only.
There are people in the Old Testament who disregard God's design for sex and marriage, and the result is always spiritual disaster. Look at Solomon: he had a ridiculous number of concubines (300!), and they had a terrible influence on him. He also married 700 women, and they 'turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God' (1 Kings 11:4). Solomon had built the temple and was gifted with wisdom from God, and yet in this matter he was blind to the warnings he was given, and so his kingdom was torn away from him (1 Kings 11:11). This ties into the idea that Christians going out with/marrying non Christians is spiritually damaging, because you are essentially uniting yourself with someone who is spiritually dead (see Ephesians 2 for the strong contrast between Christians and non-Christians, and 2 Cor 6 for instruction on not being 'yoked' with unbelievers).
The New Testament letters speak a lot about sexual purity. There are several key passages where 'fornication' (ie sex before marriage) is condemned (1 Cor 6:12- 7:40; Eph 5:1-7; 1 Thess 4:1-8), and in Hebrews 13:4 it says that the marriage bed should be kept pure, for God will judge the sexually immoral. The key emphasis in all these passages is that we've been saved by God's grace and set free from the crippling, disabling power of sin over our lives. Therefore our whole lives as Christians are about using that power to resist sin and live 100% for Jesus instead of being ruled by passion just like non-believers are.
When people have problems with what the Bible teaches on sex, it actually points to a bigger problem: their attitude towards God. Too often we are driven by our own desires for a relationship or physical intimacy, instead of putting God's agenda at the top of our priorities. If you're a Christian and you know another Christian who is struggling in this area, encourage them to draw closer to God. If you can, suggest meeting up together to read the Bible. Working through a short letter like 1 Thessalonians would only take a few sessions, and all you'd have to do is read it and discuss it. If they're really serious about being a Christian, they have to accept that it intrinsically means giving up what you want, and going God's way instead. And the joy of being a Christian is that God's way is so much better!!! As Paul writes, those things (sexual immorality included) lead to death. Why would we want to go back to them? (Romans 6:21)
Ultimately, we need to realise that God loves us far more than we comprehend. He loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us. Won't He give us anything that's good for us? Would He with hold the best from us? Of course not. (see Romans 8).
Therefore the Bible's teaching on sex and marriage is there to help us. God is FOR sex (he invented it!!!) and He has such a high value on it that he reserves it for those who are married. People who sleep with others before marriage are de-valuing sex. God's way is best because it preserves society and the family unit- look at the result of people sleeping together outside marriage: STDs, AIDS, broken homes, kids without fathers... And I hate to say it, but usually the girl in the relationship is the one with everything to lose and nothing to gain. A guy can sleep with someone and walk away; the girl ends up way more emotionally scarred and potentially with a baby to look after.
I think if a guy really loves you, he'd be willing to wait : Christian OR non Christian. But the real sticking point about Christians going out with non Christians is that they can't be a gospel team, working together to serve Jesus. One serves Jesus; the other belongs basically to the devil and is spiritually dead. I think one of the greatest blessings of Christian marriage is that you keep each other going with Jesus, pick each other up when you're down, lead each other back to the cross. However attracted you are to each other, it's the spiritual bond you share that will keep you going in the tough times.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Some thoughts on marriage from Elisabeth Elliot
From Elisabeth Elliot's 'Let Me Be A Woman'.
If you are married, marriage is the gift God has given you in which you are allowed to serve Him. Be thankful!
Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. Accept and thank God for what is given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it.
When you make a choice, you accept the limitations of that choice... saying Yes to happiness often means saying No to yourself.
Marriage is a responsibly undertaken life-union which is lasting, complete and exclusive.
Know that your true happiness lies in the will of God.
You forsake all others.
Appreciate what you have.
Marriage is dynamic. The possibility of growing apart need not be allowed.
The vows are staggeringly serious. But you did not take them trusting in your own strength to perform. The grace that enabled you to take those vows will be there to draw on when performance seems impossible.
If you are married, marriage is the gift God has given you in which you are allowed to serve Him. Be thankful!
Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. Accept and thank God for what is given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it.
When you make a choice, you accept the limitations of that choice... saying Yes to happiness often means saying No to yourself.
Marriage is a responsibly undertaken life-union which is lasting, complete and exclusive.
Know that your true happiness lies in the will of God.
You forsake all others.
Appreciate what you have.
Marriage is dynamic. The possibility of growing apart need not be allowed.
The vows are staggeringly serious. But you did not take them trusting in your own strength to perform. The grace that enabled you to take those vows will be there to draw on when performance seems impossible.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why is church important? #2
'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.' Ephesians 5:25-32
Jesus and the church
So the church as a concept is made up of all Christians... but then there's also church in a local context, a specific body of members and a real and tangible community. This is where we see the concept lived out and made reality for us to understand and participate in.
Joshua Harris writes:
'[Jesus] calls and expects us to be part of [the church]... because we are part of it!
If Jesus loves the church, you and I should, too. We can't use the excuse that the church has messed up too many times or that we're disillusioned. Jesus is the only person who has the right to disown and give up on the church. But He never has. And He never will.' Stop Dating the Church, p40
Being a Christian who doesn't go to church is like being a brick lying on the ground (an analogy from Spurgeon which Harris quotes). It's useless and even trips people up! It's not what we're made for. We are made to be the people of God, living under His rule: that's what heaven is all about. Heaven is not going to be full of isolated individuals. No way! It's going to be people from every tribe, tongue and nation worshipping God together (Revelation 7:9).
The Christian life is hard. We find many struggles: against the world of people who have rejected God, against the devil who loves to trip us up, and against our own sinful nature which battles for supremacy within our hearts against God's Spirit. We need other Christians to keep us on the right track, to challenge us when we have compromised, to encourage us when we're down and ready to give up. To 'go solo' in the Christian life is to go against everything Jesus taught us about being humble and serving one another. It also buys into the lie that the less we give of ourselves and our time and money, the happier we will be. That's just not true! There is far more blessing in giving all of ourselves to the church, because it is an eternal investment.
Jesus and the church
- He loves us
- He gave himself up for us, by dying on the cross
- He cleanses us so that in God's sight we are holy
- He cares for us
- We become united with Him
So the church as a concept is made up of all Christians... but then there's also church in a local context, a specific body of members and a real and tangible community. This is where we see the concept lived out and made reality for us to understand and participate in.
Joshua Harris writes:
'[Jesus] calls and expects us to be part of [the church]... because we are part of it!
If Jesus loves the church, you and I should, too. We can't use the excuse that the church has messed up too many times or that we're disillusioned. Jesus is the only person who has the right to disown and give up on the church. But He never has. And He never will.' Stop Dating the Church, p40
Being a Christian who doesn't go to church is like being a brick lying on the ground (an analogy from Spurgeon which Harris quotes). It's useless and even trips people up! It's not what we're made for. We are made to be the people of God, living under His rule: that's what heaven is all about. Heaven is not going to be full of isolated individuals. No way! It's going to be people from every tribe, tongue and nation worshipping God together (Revelation 7:9).
The Christian life is hard. We find many struggles: against the world of people who have rejected God, against the devil who loves to trip us up, and against our own sinful nature which battles for supremacy within our hearts against God's Spirit. We need other Christians to keep us on the right track, to challenge us when we have compromised, to encourage us when we're down and ready to give up. To 'go solo' in the Christian life is to go against everything Jesus taught us about being humble and serving one another. It also buys into the lie that the less we give of ourselves and our time and money, the happier we will be. That's just not true! There is far more blessing in giving all of ourselves to the church, because it is an eternal investment.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
17 Again
All I can say is: Wow!
I dragged my husband along to see 17 Again, the new film with Zac Efron (High School Musical) and Matthew Perry, not particularly expecting anything amazing. It was awesome! Not only was it hysterically funny, but it had a brilliant message.
Most films which involve time-travel or transformations centre around the protagonist going back to change the course of history, to improve his life for the better. Back to the Future is the classic example. 17 Again opens with a scene from 1989: a basketball game that could give Mike O'Donnell a college scholarship. His girlfriend tells him that she is pregnant, and he leaves the basketball court to run after her. He marries her, and then 17 years later their marriage is on the rocks, because he has resented her for the way his life has turned out. I felt apprehensive that this film was going to chart the breakdown of a marriage, or worse, a fairy-tale change of history. I was wrong!
This film is really about Mike's realisation that his decisions were not wrong; the way he dealt with them was the problem. The film is about how he faces up to his responsibilities and realises what he has in his wife and children. Not only does it promote saving marriages, but it also promotes saving sex for marriage. I was impressed!
I thoroughly recommend this film. It is thoughtful and has something relevant to say about family life in today's world. With increasingly depressing statistics about marriage and families (in The Daily Telegraph today they quote the Office for National Statistics' figures that more under-25s give birth than get married, and an average marriage lasts 11 years), it is great to see a film affirming the importance of not taking your relationships for granted, and working at them. Going through a wedding ceremony does not make a marriage; giving birth to a child does not make a successful parent-child relationship. We need to stop kidding ourselves that these things happen 'naturally'.
The Bible tells us frankly that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7). If we spend all our efforts on our career or 'me-time', we are not going to enjoy close marriages or really know our children. How refreshing to be reminded by a secular film that people matter more than getting your own way, or getting more stuff.
I dragged my husband along to see 17 Again, the new film with Zac Efron (High School Musical) and Matthew Perry, not particularly expecting anything amazing. It was awesome! Not only was it hysterically funny, but it had a brilliant message.
Most films which involve time-travel or transformations centre around the protagonist going back to change the course of history, to improve his life for the better. Back to the Future is the classic example. 17 Again opens with a scene from 1989: a basketball game that could give Mike O'Donnell a college scholarship. His girlfriend tells him that she is pregnant, and he leaves the basketball court to run after her. He marries her, and then 17 years later their marriage is on the rocks, because he has resented her for the way his life has turned out. I felt apprehensive that this film was going to chart the breakdown of a marriage, or worse, a fairy-tale change of history. I was wrong!
This film is really about Mike's realisation that his decisions were not wrong; the way he dealt with them was the problem. The film is about how he faces up to his responsibilities and realises what he has in his wife and children. Not only does it promote saving marriages, but it also promotes saving sex for marriage. I was impressed!
I thoroughly recommend this film. It is thoughtful and has something relevant to say about family life in today's world. With increasingly depressing statistics about marriage and families (in The Daily Telegraph today they quote the Office for National Statistics' figures that more under-25s give birth than get married, and an average marriage lasts 11 years), it is great to see a film affirming the importance of not taking your relationships for granted, and working at them. Going through a wedding ceremony does not make a marriage; giving birth to a child does not make a successful parent-child relationship. We need to stop kidding ourselves that these things happen 'naturally'.
The Bible tells us frankly that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7). If we spend all our efforts on our career or 'me-time', we are not going to enjoy close marriages or really know our children. How refreshing to be reminded by a secular film that people matter more than getting your own way, or getting more stuff.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Helping Christians who are married to non-Christians
Recently I posted a series of articles on Christian attitudes to dating and relationships, including the principle that Christians should not go out with, or marry, a non-Christian.
But what happens if you become a Christian AFTER marriage? Or what if you DID marry a non-Christian? Perhaps you know a Christian who is married to a non-believer. What help can you give?
Well I'd like to recommend John Dickson's 'Promoting the Gospel'. I found this book, which covers evangelism in all areas of life, particularly enlightening on the subject of mixed faith marriages. He looks at 1 Peter 3:1-2:
'Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.'
This is what he says:
'Peter plainly says that people can be won to Christianity through behaviour. Am I saying that faith in Christ can come about without hearing the gospel? No... people cannot put their faith in Jesus without first learning the gospel about him. However, this does not mean that hearing the gospel is the only cause of faith...
Peter's words in 1 Peter 3:1-2 are not intended as a "let-off" for those who are shy about Christ, but as an encouragement to those who find themselves in situations in which speaking about the Faith is difficult or inappropriate. The marriage relationship (the specific context of Peter's words) is a classic example...
[Be reassured that] the Lord of the harvest can win over our loved ones without a word (from you) by the power of a godly life.' (p100-101)
In other words, if your spouse is not a Christian, you need to:
1. Pray for them to be saved.
2. Continue as a Christian yourself- keep going to church and join a small group, or find a Christian friend of the same sex as you who you can meet up with for prayer and support. Don't struggle alone- get help! Finding someone else in the same situation could be really helpful for both of you (again same sex as you applies).
3. Live a God-honouring life before them, to point them towards Jesus.
4. Share the gospel with them when the opportunity arises, in a gentle and respectful way.
5. Don't nag them!
6. Guard yourself against lust and jealousy for Christian marriages in your church. Pray against discontentment. God has put you in this situation for a reason, to teach you new things, and He is in control. He works everything for the good of those who love Him, so trust that He knows what He's doing (Rom 8:28).
1 Corinthians 7 is really relevant to this situation:
'If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.'
In Corinth, people were becoming Christians, and then divorcing their unbelieving spouses. Paul says this is wrong! God is a God of faithfulness, who hates divorce. That is never what He wants you to do. Instead, God 'sanctifies' the unbelieving spouse- in other words, God makes special provision for His children who are married to unbelievers. He does not automatically convert the spouse, but He blesses the children of a mixed faith marriage.
Of course, this passage is not a justification for Christians, who have the choice of who they marry, to marry non-Christians. The question 'how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?' is a verse of encouragement to those in a very difficult situation, not a mandate to enter this situation. Paul makes it clear in this very chapter that if a Christian has the choice of whom they marry, they should definitely marry another Christian (v39). The whole point about retaining the place in life to which God has called you simply means that you can't get out of your marriage bond when you become a Christian.
Being a Christian married to a non-Christian is very tough, and no Christian should ever willingly choose this situation. But, as I can testify from witnessing it with my own eyes, God can certainly bring much blessing to those who seek to remain faithful to Him within a mixed faith marriage. The church needs to be particularly pro-active in supporting these marriages, particularly the Christian spouse, who can easily become isolated. Churches also need to be aware that a Christian married to a non-Christian will have to be sensitive to the needs of their spouse, which may mean a reduced involvement in serving in church life. If you are a Christian who is supporting a friend in a mixed faith marriage, or you are in a mixed faith marriage, keep praying for God to give you wisdom. I'd very much appreciate any comments you can make to share from your own experiences. May the Lord bless you!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Christians and non-Christians: NOT a match made in heaven
Relationships are funny things. They can dominate our thoughts and desires, they can bring us joy and companionship, they can destroy us. The quest for 'true love' for the Christian can be a bit of a minefield, with lots of casualties if wrong choices are made.
It's easy to feel that the Bible is very out-of-date on the whole issue of relationships, given that in Bible times, arranged marriage was the norm. Whilst arranged marriages are still happening today, mostly in Western culture we go about finding ourselves a spouse very differently. The 'dating game'.
How should Christians approach relationships? My main point for this post is:
Christians should desire to glorify God in their romantic relationships.
This may involve pain and heartache, it may mean walking away from someone you really care about. But the Bible makes one thing clear:
A Christian should not marry a non-Christian.
‘A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.’ 1 Corinthians 7:39
Paul in this chapter of Corinthians deals with some tricky marital situations. What do you do if you’re married, then you become a Christian? Paul says you should stay married. But if, as these verses show, that unbelieving spouse dies, the widow is free to marry, but this time it must be a Christian.
This principle therefore applies to all Christians who have a choice about who they marry (ie. They aren’t already married). It is wrong for a Christian to choose to marry a non-Christian.
Following logically on from this, it makes sense then that Christians should not go out with non-believers. You don’t just get married in our culture, you go out with someone first. If you want your spouse to be a Christian, then you need to make sure any potential spouse (ie. Girlfriend or boyfriend) is a Christian.
Why is this important?
1.Christians and non-Christians are fundamentally different.
The reason God says Christians and non-Christians should not marry is because marriage makes two people ‘one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). A Christian is a new creation in Jesus Christ, and a non-Christian is still dead in their sins (see Ephesians 2 and Colossians 2). That doesn’t make for a good combination! 2 Corinthians 6:14 says “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” In a relationship, whether you get married or not, you are saying ‘I want to be closer to this person than to my friends and family. I want to spend time with them, sharing who I am with them.’ That makes you vulnerable, as my next point discusses.
2.Christians are fighting a constant battle against sin.
There are many temptations in life (pride, selfishness, greed) which Christians have to constantly fight against. We’re in spiritual warfare (see Ephesians 6)! Therefore if you’re sharing your life intimately with someone, it needs to be someone who’s going to help you in that battle. Someone who will pray with you and for you to be the person God wants you to be. Someone who shares your faith and values. Someone who won’t be an added temptation, particularly in the area of lust. Even if the person you’re going out with agrees that they won’t have sex with you, they will not be looking to avoid temptation in the same way, and they will not have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome temptation. Lust is a problem not just of physically messing up, but of mentally dwelling on unhelpful images, and you need to be ruthless in cutting it out of your mind. It is also worth saying that in the Christian life, is something isn’t actively helping you grow in faith and holiness, it is a hindrance. There’s no neutral ground. Even if your girlfriend isn’t pressuring you to go too far, if she isn’t pointing you towards Jesus, she’s holding you back. Hebrews 12:1 says ‘let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.’
FAQ: Surely I can help my non-Christian girlfriend to become a Christian by going out with her?
This is such a disaster zone. The Bible never never advocates this: it is the work of the Holy Spirit alone to convert people, and it’s our job to tell them the good news. You don’t need to be going out with someone to do this! In fact, it actually becomes a hindrance, because you are a better witness for Jesus when you show to someone that you value Him more than any other living being –more than a girl you really like who likes you back. However good your intentions are, that person will always be aware of the fact that you wish they were a Christian. They are not ‘good enough’. And more often than not, going out with a non-Christian makes the Christian get lukewarm and tepid rather than firing up the unbeliever into faith. Even if the unbeliever declares their faith, it is often more to do with their believing partner than with them and God. When someone’s faith is dependent upon a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, this is not a solid foundation and when something goes wrong with the relationship, their faith often does not stand up to the pressure.
If you go out with someone who isn’t a Christian, what do you do when they don’t convert? How long do you wait for this to happen? By then you may be so involved with them that you end up marrying them. In the everyday intimacy of marriage, life becomes extremely difficult if you do not have the same foundation of faith to live by. Put two sinners together and you’re always going to have problems. Two Christians who are married at least have the Holy Spirit to help them through, and have placed their ultimate satisfaction in Jesus rather than each other. This is the greatest basis for a successful marriage.
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