How can I change my feelings?

I've been posting recently about relationships. I know this is a really tough area of life for many Christians (I certainly found it so, before I got married). I thought I'd use this post to deal with the whole issue of Christians falling in love with non-Christians. I know what it's like, because I've done it myself, but the way I dealt with it was pretty rubbish. I'd love to encourage you not to make the same mistakes.

So, the situation could be that you're a Christian, you're at school or at work, surrounded by non-Christians. At your church, there's a lack of people your own age of the opposite sex. In your daily environment, you're developing friendships with people naturally, through spending time with them, and gradually you notice yourself feeling something more than friendship for one of the guys/girls you know.

What do you do?

Well in practice there's several options:
1. You let things develop and you go out with this person.
2. You sit on the fence, telling the person that you can't go out with them, but you don't make any effort to avoid them or end the friendship. Things kind of hang around in the air uncomfortably- and something might happen.
3. You back off.

What are the consequences of these various courses of action?
With (1), you could end up marrying them, or break up with them. Neither of these options are very desirable. With marrying them, you might have 'followed your heart' but you won't have treasured Christ above the relationship. Your faith will probably suffer. By breaking up with them, it'll probably be really difficult and you'll both feel hurt and unhappy. During the relationship, you could also have made mistakes and gone too far. That's an added pain.

With (2), your witness as a Christian is not going to be that of a shining star (see Philippians 2:15). You run the risk of being flirtatious and leading someone on, which is cruel and unfair, and also of something happening unexpectedly due to the build-up of tension. If you've decided not to go out with someone, you need to make it clear by following through with your conduct... and this involves backing off.

With (3), it's definitely not going to be easy. You have to go against your feelings, and there may be some awkwardness with friendship groups and where you hang out etc. But (3) is the best option if you want to put Jesus first. (3) is the only option which makes it clear to the other person that you've made a decision that you're going to stick by. (3) is the only option in which people can see that Jesus means more to you than anything else... even your feelings. (3) is an option where God will be faithful, and help you through the pain and difficulty, because you're doing it to honour Him.

If you do choose (3), I strongly recommend that you get someone on board to help you. Find a trustworthy person at church, tell them about the situation, and ask them to pray for you. With their help and encouragement, you can get through it.

And believe it or not, you will find that your feelings follow your decision. It may take a while, but this is not the only area of life in which you shouldn't let your feelings dictate your actions. The Christian life is not based around feelings! It's about BEING something... being saved by grace... being loved by God. Our feelings take a while to catch up with those realities.