Relationships are funny things. They can dominate our thoughts and desires, they can bring us joy and companionship, they can destroy us. The quest for 'true love' for the Christian can be a bit of a minefield, with lots of casualties if wrong choices are made.
It's easy to feel that the Bible is very out-of-date on the whole issue of relationships, given that in Bible times, arranged marriage was the norm. Whilst arranged marriages are still happening today, mostly in Western culture we go about finding ourselves a spouse very differently. The 'dating game'.
How should Christians approach relationships? My main point for this post is:
Christians should desire to glorify God in their romantic relationships.
This may involve pain and heartache, it may mean walking away from someone you really care about. But the Bible makes one thing clear:
A Christian should not marry a non-Christian.
‘A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.’ 1 Corinthians 7:39
Paul in this chapter of Corinthians deals with some tricky marital situations. What do you do if you’re married, then you become a Christian? Paul says you should stay married. But if, as these verses show, that unbelieving spouse dies, the widow is free to marry, but this time it must be a Christian.
This principle therefore applies to all Christians who have a choice about who they marry (ie. They aren’t already married). It is wrong for a Christian to choose to marry a non-Christian.
Following logically on from this, it makes sense then that Christians should not go out with non-believers. You don’t just get married in our culture, you go out with someone first. If you want your spouse to be a Christian, then you need to make sure any potential spouse (ie. Girlfriend or boyfriend) is a Christian.
Why is this important?
1.Christians and non-Christians are fundamentally different.
The reason God says Christians and non-Christians should not marry is because marriage makes two people ‘one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24). A Christian is a new creation in Jesus Christ, and a non-Christian is still dead in their sins (see Ephesians 2 and Colossians 2). That doesn’t make for a good combination! 2 Corinthians 6:14 says “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” In a relationship, whether you get married or not, you are saying ‘I want to be closer to this person than to my friends and family. I want to spend time with them, sharing who I am with them.’ That makes you vulnerable, as my next point discusses.
2.Christians are fighting a constant battle against sin.
There are many temptations in life (pride, selfishness, greed) which Christians have to constantly fight against. We’re in spiritual warfare (see Ephesians 6)! Therefore if you’re sharing your life intimately with someone, it needs to be someone who’s going to help you in that battle. Someone who will pray with you and for you to be the person God wants you to be. Someone who shares your faith and values. Someone who won’t be an added temptation, particularly in the area of lust. Even if the person you’re going out with agrees that they won’t have sex with you, they will not be looking to avoid temptation in the same way, and they will not have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome temptation. Lust is a problem not just of physically messing up, but of mentally dwelling on unhelpful images, and you need to be ruthless in cutting it out of your mind. It is also worth saying that in the Christian life, is something isn’t actively helping you grow in faith and holiness, it is a hindrance. There’s no neutral ground. Even if your girlfriend isn’t pressuring you to go too far, if she isn’t pointing you towards Jesus, she’s holding you back. Hebrews 12:1 says ‘let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.’
FAQ: Surely I can help my non-Christian girlfriend to become a Christian by going out with her?
This is such a disaster zone. The Bible never never advocates this: it is the work of the Holy Spirit alone to convert people, and it’s our job to tell them the good news. You don’t need to be going out with someone to do this! In fact, it actually becomes a hindrance, because you are a better witness for Jesus when you show to someone that you value Him more than any other living being –more than a girl you really like who likes you back. However good your intentions are, that person will always be aware of the fact that you wish they were a Christian. They are not ‘good enough’. And more often than not, going out with a non-Christian makes the Christian get lukewarm and tepid rather than firing up the unbeliever into faith. Even if the unbeliever declares their faith, it is often more to do with their believing partner than with them and God. When someone’s faith is dependent upon a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, this is not a solid foundation and when something goes wrong with the relationship, their faith often does not stand up to the pressure.
If you go out with someone who isn’t a Christian, what do you do when they don’t convert? How long do you wait for this to happen? By then you may be so involved with them that you end up marrying them. In the everyday intimacy of marriage, life becomes extremely difficult if you do not have the same foundation of faith to live by. Put two sinners together and you’re always going to have problems. Two Christians who are married at least have the Holy Spirit to help them through, and have placed their ultimate satisfaction in Jesus rather than each other. This is the greatest basis for a successful marriage.
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