Personally, I've had so much grief in the area of relationships that I really want to post something about what I've learnt (the hard way). I wrote yesterday about the importance of Christians not going out with non-Christians -I can testify that this never helps your faith, and leads you down some very sticky paths. But there has to be more to a Christian perspective on relationships than this 'don't go out with a non-Christian' principle. And there is!
We have such an opportunity in our romantic relationships to show the world how different we are, now that Jesus has changed our lives. Our most important relationship in the world is with Him, and He is always faithful and will never break our hearts! Hooray for that!
If you really want to treasure Christ above all other things, then whoever you go out with needs to help you love Jesus more. The only thing that really matters when you consider whether to go out with someone or not, is this: Do they love Jesus? Could I love them?
God is amazing. He created chemistry, and He brings people together for marriage who complement each other perfectly and completely click. I'm not saying that anyone should simply pick a Christian, any Christian, and ignore their attraction (or lack of it) to that person. What I'm saying is that it's a mistake to prioritize physical attraction above how much a person loves God and wants to please Him.
There are some great books on Christian relationships out there which I have read (see bottom of page for recommendations), and three principles have emerged from all of them:
1. Don’t date for fun.
The common idea in our culture that you need to ‘have fun’ while you’re young and have one-night stands, or kiss random people in clubs, or just go out with someone ‘casually’, is all extremely opposite to God’s standards in the Bible. God cares deeply about all people, and wants us to do the same. We should never ‘use’ people for physical pleasure, or to look good to our friends, or just to combat loneliness. 1 Corinthians 16:14 says ‘Do everything in love’, and chapter 13 defines love as patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, forgiving, not delighting in evil but in the truth, protective, trusting, hopeful and persevering. Therefore if Christians do have relationships, they are not to be shallow, but should follow the Bible’s definition of what real love is.
2. Guard your heart.
Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” There is a powerful demonstration of the impact of relationships on a person’s life. Whenever you have a close romantic relationship, it’s like gluing two pieces of paper together. When the relationship breaks up, it’s like trying to tear those pieces of paper apart. It’s messy, and in real life, it’s a painful experience. This is why the world’s idea about having lots of relationships before finally ‘settling down’ is a bad one. It means that by the time they finish university, the majority of people have slept with a number of people, and had several romantic involvements. This gives people a lot of emotional ‘baggage’ which then creates issues when you do want to get married.
For Christian teenagers who are nowhere near ready to get married, it’s often wisest to guard your heart and not let yourself get too involved romantically with anyone. Be careful not to spend too much time alone with someone of the opposite sex, if they are not seeking to honour God in the way that they treat you.
If you really like someone, bring it to God in prayer and talk about it with someone at church. It’s always good to get wise advice about such things.
3. Be pure
'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.' Philippians 4:8
In the way that you think about members of the opposite sex, be pure.
In the way that you act around members of the opposite sex, be pure.
In the way that you speak to members of the opposite sex, be pure.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, your thoughts and behaviour matter! God wants you to be absolutely spotless, and He has cleansed you through the blood of Jesus from all of your sins. Don't defy your new status as purified by God, by returning to the mud again.
Lust- wanting something that does not belong to you (usually in a sexual sense)- is a very pervasive sin. It can manifest itself in X-rated thoughts, in addictions to pornography, or in hungry kissing that leads on to more.
Do what Joseph did- run away from it! Don't give yourself any opportunity to fall. Don't have an internet connection in your bedroom. Don't be alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend in a room together with the door closed.
Do what Job did- make a covenant (promise) with your eyes, not to linger on people and treat them as objects. Avoid parts of a supermarket which stock men's magazines. Bounce your eyes away from unhelpful billboards. Look away from a cinema screen if there's an unexpected sex scene.
Pray and depend on God for strength to fight this sin in your life. It CAN be beaten through the power of the Holy Spirit.
If you're not accountable to anyone in your church, find a trusted Christian there who will ask you candid questions about how you're doing in this area, and ask them to pray for you. Don't think you're the only one who struggles with this. Everyone has some form of struggle with lust in their lifetime.
Below are some books I recommend which deal with this whole area:
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